Reflections on Mothers Day, 2009

Mothers Day is almost here. While all of us may not have claimed that title of honor, are not mothers, all of us HAD mothers, in one form of the other. Marie Osmond , mother of eight, recently said in an interview, “I may not be a perfect mother, but my love for my children is perfect.” Her simple, yet profound statement resonates with me as I view motherhood from two diverse vantage points. As women, we are often torn between two models of motherhood, the one we experienced as children, and the one we exemplify to our own offspring.
I heard a similar approach to mothering discussed a few years back, called “The Good Enough Mother”. This concept echoed Marie’s position, and emphasized also that as mothers , we cannot be perfect, but we can be good enough. I won’t admit to seeking “perfection” in motherhood, however it’s cousin “excellence”, seemed like a more realistic goal, especially when viewed from a distance. To pursue “excellence” sounds like a moderately challenging walk up slightly rough terrain, perhaps like Pilot Mountain, compared to that cousin “perfection”, which is an almost impossible climb, like the Alps or the Himalayans…
Like a mountain that looks small miles away, but grows larger as you attempt to climb it, even “excellence”, is a challenging and difficult pursuit. “Good enough” once seemed like a weak position, a cop-out of sorts , not something to aim for in a task as important as motherhood . The reality of motherhood is very different from its ideology, and I have found that in the grind of daily life, there are days even “good enough” feels barely attainable! On the days we are late for school, having a disagreement about cleaning his room, or when I am just crabby, I must admit that I don’t feel “good enough”. On those days, it can be hard to feel good at all!
I worry…What is “good enough”? Is it the same for every child? What will be “good enough” for my child?
Do we ever really know our children? In the book, The Prophet, philosopher Kahlil Gibran says,

Your children are not your children.They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.They come through you but not from you,And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.You may house their bodies but not their souls,For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your childrenas living arrows are sent forth.The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

As a daughter , I now view my own mother with a lot less criticism and with a lot more compassion. Mother is 83, living with the middle stages of dementia in a nursing home. Like many mothers and daughters, we have not always had a great relationship. My mother always struggled with her own insecurities of a mother who did not love her enough, and had her own demons to fight in the battles of her own head. For many years, she was a troubled woman.
There are many things I have doubted in this world, yet I have never doubted my mother’s love for me, her belief in me and joy at my mere existence. Her belief in me, even more than her words, helped give me an inner stability, a foundation to pursue my dreams and find my own path. She encouraged me to create a unique life, based on my choices, not based on her expectations. As my mom continues to fight both the disease and demons in her head, I am THANKFUL for the fact that.
In this world of imperfection, that feels beyond “ good enough”…that feels close to “ perfect” ! I hope I can exemplify this lesson to my son! While I may not be an award-winning archer, I can keep a steady hand as my son is being launched into his own unique life.
Experience has taught me, looking down that mountain is easier than looking up!
Happy Mother’s Day Everyone!