Dangerous Confessions of a "Do-It-Yourselfer"

Are you a “do-it-yourselfer” or a “do-it-for me” type of person? Forget Myers-Briggs…a lot can be learned about a person based on their approach to accomplishing the task at hand.“Do-it yourselfers” are not required to have the skills to install a laminate floor, change a flat tire, or make their own pasta, although these skills are advantageous and a bit sexy… No, “do-it- yourselfism ” is part attitude, part strategy, but definitely NOT a life skill that you can learn during a weekend workshop at Lowe's.

The yin and yang of “do-it-yourselfism” contains elements of both light and dark, that reciprocal relationship in a perpetual state of unbalance. The yang of the DIY is prevalent. Today’s “do-it-yourselfer” is independent, confident and self-reliant. They tend to “do- it- themselves” because of either physical necessity or ego (they believe they have the “better way ” ie. wiser, cheaper, faster, more efficient of doing a task.) The “do- it yourselfer” is a widely heralded hero, especially here in the US where the ghosts of our hardy pioneer ancestors still roam, leaving the spirit of independence and freedom in their wagon trails … The Feminist proudly continues along the path of self-reliance with a baby in one hand, a briefcase in the other, and a dust rag clenched between her teeth.

So, where is the yin in DIY? And how ironic is it, that “yin” is defined as “negative, dark, passive, cold, wet, and feminine?” Yuck! Who wants any of that? Move aside the propaganda. The yin is there, whether it is acknowledged it or not. Here is the flip side of a self-proclaimed “do-it-yourselfer”, my personal confession. This is where things get complicated.

DIY’s are uncomfortable being catered to and waited on, for a plethora of reasons. They are often perfectionists. When someone serves you, the outcome is out of your control and does not guarantee success or perfection. In personal relationships, grace makes it possible for someone to serve you, and vice-versa. When the Bible tells us of Jesus washing the disciple’s feet, it had to be an awkward moment, predominately for the one with the calluses and dust on their toes. When people are not allowed to serve you and learn by improving their own life skills, it undermines their growth and confidence. People learn best, by their mistakes, and often at other’s expense. Allowing people to do things for you can sew the seeds for their feeling “needed”. That is a very different feeling from the broad category of being "loved”, which is easier to do, at best, and probably easier to fake, at its worst.

I am a DIY…. I am a feminist, a strong independent woman in my home, work and family life. I am low-maintenance and don’t require a lot of sustenance beyond my middle class existence, except for an occasional out of body experience, the companionship of two dogs and a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookie dough every month or two. 25 years ago, I promised to love, honor and cherish , but I don’t recall that “need” was a part of the deal. Don’t get me wrong... I married a great guy whom I love and we have a great partnership. When I got home last night at 9:30 PM, he had washed 5 loads of laundry and taken care of dinner. He is always there for me. It is self-evident that my DIY struggles are mostly in my own mind. "Doing-it-myself" is definitely a badge of honor I wear pinned to my lapel, proudly exhibited for everyone to see. (Don't tell him, but yea, I kinda need him. And he definitely makes life a lot more FUN.)

Personally, it has always seemed risky to me, to be a “do-it-for-me” type. The “damsel in distress” thing HAS never and COULD never work for me. I think, deep in my soul, I am afraid that if I depend too much on others, I won’t be able to accept the disappointments in them when they let me down. And they will. It is inevitable. It’s hard enough to accept myself when I miss the mark, much less someone else.